Dating after spinal cord injury
You may feel differently about yourself or have questions about dating after a spinal cord injury. If you have questions or concerns about this aspect of your life, talk to your doctor or sex therapist.
Common characteristics of all good relationships are respect and safety. This means respect for self and others. It also means that both people in the relationship feel physically and emotionally safe. Let’s begin with respect.
Respect for self and others
If you want to spend time with someone, try approaching them in a friendly, confident manner. Avoid attitudes like, “You really don’t want to go out with me, do you?” If you do not respect and value yourself, the other person will likely also share your beliefs.
Balancing confidence
On the other hand, avoid overdoing it with too much confidence. Using an approach like you are doing the person a big favor by dating them will almost always assure rejection. Remember that relationships grow slowly. It takes time to nurture feelings and for love and friendship to grow. Go slowly.
Choosing conversation topics wisely
Avoid talking about intense or very serious topics on the first few dates. Try talking about more usual topics such as sports, current events, music, community activities, etc. This would also include not talking about your personal physical care, unless an accident occurs.
Talking about sex at the right time
Do not plan to talk about sex until you both are feeling relaxed and safe. Feelings of safety and relaxation do not happen on the first date. Remember to take things slowly.
Pay close attention to the messages the other person is sending you. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Get to know each other.
Feeling safe in the relationship
Feelings of safety involve knowing that one is not expected to do something that one is not ready or prepared to do.
Respecting boundaries
It means saying “no” or taking “no” for an answer without pouting, begging, or coercing. It means enough trust exists between two people that saying “no” is okay.
Keep private things private
It also means that you and your partner keep private things about your relationship private. Don’t talk about personal moments or make up stories about your dates.
Being honest with each other
Safety also involves being honest with your partner. Have courage to tell the truth about issues in your relationship. Avoid not telling the truth because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Embarrassing incidents
Something unexpected could happen while you are on a date. For example, since your injury, you have may have had bladder or bowel accidents or unexpected flatulence. In case something embarrassing happens on a date, be prepared for how you would like to handle them.
- If you have a bowel or bladder accident, you can simply tell the other person, “I have had a small accident and will need to go the bathroom for a moment.” Handle it in a matter-of-fact manner and avoid making a big deal out if it.
- If you pass gas, you can simply say, “Excuse me.” You may choose to mention that this may happen sometimes as a result of your injury. Avoid making a big deal out of it.
Try, try again
Remember that not all dates will become lasting romantic relationships. Before you were injured, some dates were fun and some dates were duds. Some first dates turned into second dates and others did not. Someone may have rejected you. In fact, everyone experiences rejection at some time in their life. If you always get rejected, it may be helpful to look at why. Do not be too quick to blame dating challenges on your injury, as there are many factors that determine if a relationship will work.